Nico's 2 cents

 

"You can’t hide. A true player responds to disaster as if nothing's happened. When they smell fear in this town, it's over... ...I find it offensive that women always feel that we have to apologize for our success. There are no flukes, there is no luck, there’s just talent and hard work, and the ability to bounce back when you’re knocked down. No more, no less." -- Nico Riley, Lipstick Jungle

Tomorrow will be the start of my new year. Clean slate! GO FOR IT! :)

Mr Big

 

 Ever thine, ever mine, ever ours. -- The Immortal Beloved Letters, Ludwig van Beethoven 

Dear Mr Big,

Please tell me I'm the one...

I'm not OK

I'm not OK but I will be fine.. *inhale.. exhale..* That's the spirit!

The Day After

It is 6:30am and I don't feel like sleeping. I never thought I would survive my December 28th. The feeling of "sadness" is an understatement. I cried for help but no one was there. I don't know how to contain myself. I hoped to be insane. My tears were over-pouring. I have no one to talk to. I have nowhere to go.

There's one thing that kept running on my head that night. I wanted to die. I'm not the suicidal type but I really wanted to die. What if I die of crying? What if I got hit by a cab then die? Call me crazy but it hurts so much that I thought of just letting everything go. I don't know how depression feels but if depression is sadness to the nth power then I had it last night.

Today, I'm still alive. And yes, it still hurts. I'm trying everything just to lessen my pain. Baby steps as Ch@m!3 would say. I'll be ok.. In my own time. In my own way.

F*CK YOU!!!

drained

I've been crying endlessly the whole day. Please make it stop. Sobrang lungkot hindi ko na ata makaya..

Gusto kong mag book sa malayong malayong lugar tapos hindi na ko babalik. I know I have to shake this shit all off but I don't know how to fucking do it. Ayoko nang maging nega pero wala akong mapiga kahit na konting positivity sa katawan ko ngayon.

Oo nega queen ako. Wag kang makielam, blog ko to! Tanginang buhay naman to. Gustong gusto ko nang mag give up!

PS:
Alam kong naging kaibigan ako sa inyo. ayun lang.

Woooooooh!

 

Dear Universe,

Bakit ba ang hirap mo naman kausap? After all the shit that happened this weekend, di ba I deserve a freakin break? Facial lang naman ang hinahanap ko.. FACIAAAAL! Mahirap ba yun? Woooooooh!

PS:

Why are you so effin kupal? RAWR!!

Life

Ito na siguro ang pinaka challenging na pasko sa pamilya namin. Unang beses na hindi ko maramdaman na holiday pala ngayon. Nakakagulat.. Nakakalungkot. Ang buhay nga naman, hindi mo masabi. Minsan naiisip ko, kanya kanyang bullshit lang yan sa buhay.Pero bakit ganon? Parang masyadong pinapalo ni God ang pamilya namin?

Nag aalala ako para kay Ate. Kay Ate at sa baby nya. May sarili akong iniisip pero mas importante sya sa ngayon. Kelangan kong maging malakas para sa kanya. Kami na lang dalawa ang magkasama. Kelangan nya ko ngayon. Hinding hindi ko sya iiwan.

I can't wait na makita si baby, ang kaisa isang positive na nangyare ngayong 2010.

Breathe Me

This is my song for the day. What an awful Christmas. :(

Christmas 2010

Ang tagal kong nakatitig sa blog post na to, wala.. Isang malaking whitespace. Nakakapagod nang malungkot. :( Nagsasawa na ba kayo? Ako rin e.:)) PUTAENAAAAAA!

IMY more!

This is the only thing that made me smile today. I always look forward to seeing Yana's face every Christmas. I love seeing her big eyes when she opens my gift. Christmas will never be the same without her. Ninang Daze loves you so much, Yana! I hope to see you again soon! :)

FYI:
Yana doesn't have a facebook account. She only use friendster. She loves me that much. :)

I did it.. Hooooooray!

 

Woooooh! At last! :)) Isang malaking check sa isa kong to do's! :)) Ansakeeeet! Ilang beses kong tinawag si God! Hahahahahaha! Yun lang, inaantok na ko! Napagod ako ng sobra sobra. :))

TO DO's

 

Ang dami kong gustong gawin bukas! Errrr, hindi ako matahimik! leche!

If you could save me..

 

I've been emotionally unstable for a couple of months now. One day I'm ok, next I'll be devastated. It's a constant cycle. Sometimes, I don't know what to feel anymore. I've had countless rant posts about this freaking issue. Nothing's changed. Nothing's new. Nothing's better. :(

I'm sorry for all the nega vibes that I'm writing in this blog. It's just that I don't know how to handle this and keep my sanity at the same time. I wouldn't expect everybody to understand me, sometimes I cannot understand myself too. And now I'm torned. Torned between what is right and what I need.

My life is in a hell of a roller coaster ride of drama. I've always been a fighter but this one is different. I AM BROKEN, I'm just trying to cover it. I'm incapable of fixing anything right now. I just want to focus on my own emotional stability. I just want to be strong for myself. I just want to be happy again. I just want to be the old "me" again.

I Found a Reason

"what comes is better than what came before..."

On a lighter note, I realized there are people who still love me enough to deal with my kaartehan and my kadramahan. :) Thank you for coming into my life. *smiles*

Movie Night

 

Hindi ko alam kung dapat bang matuwa si r0y pag nagpa-power dress ako dahil he's always obliged to take me out after work. :)) Tonight we watched Narnia. It's not my type of movie but I had fun. :) I'm thankful na he's always by my side (literally and figuratively). He makes me feel loved. :)

Post it!

 

Natawa ko when I saw this in front of my unit. Ganyan ang nakikiusap! Teh, try mo kayang kausapin nanay ko? :)) Then again, that part of the building is a communal area. What can I do about it? Lol! Bitch much?

Expectations

High school pa lang ako, hindi na ko nag eexpect ng masayang pasko. Nasanay na ko sa "sakto lang" ang araw na yon. Pero iba ngayon. Sa pasko, ineexpect ko nang maging punching bag ng pamilya ko. Umuwi man ako o hinde, in one way or another, papaliguan nila ako ng emotional torture. Kahit anong gawin ko, riot pa rin ang araw na yon. Hindi naman sa napaka nega ko, hinahanda ko lang sarili ko sa mga mangyayari. Hindi ko na kayang iabsorb ang mga sorpresang drama, baka mabaliw na ako.

Hindi ko kayang bumati at mag wish ng Merry Christmas. Iniiwasan kong mag fb, ayokong makakita ng masayang pamilya. Para akong sinasaksak pag nakakakita ako ng christmas tree. Isang noise pollution saken ang makarinig ng christmas songs. Ang araw ng pasko ay isang malaking urban legend na lang para sakin. Ako ay isang malaking orphan, malapit ko nang matanggap yun.

Pain Relievers

Minsan naiisip ko, sana kayang makuha sa pain relievers tong nararamdaman ko. Sana isang inom lang ng gamot wala na lahat itong bigat ng dibdib ko. Ginawa ko nang lahat maging maayos lang ako. Nakakapagod nang maglakas loob. Hindi naman talaga ako ok, hindi na ko  magpepretend. Nahihirapan na talaga ko, hindi ko na alam gagawin ko.

Ayoko nang magalit pero wala akong ibang mapigang emosyon. Kinain ko na ang pride ko, ako na ang bumaba.. Ano pang kulang? Bakit ang dali dali para sa inyo na i-single out ako? Bakit gustong gusto nyo na sinasaktan ako? Sana naging masamang anak na lang ako para maintindihan ko kung bakit nyo ako ginaganito. Sana maisip nyo na nasasaktan din ako, na ako ang anak nyo.

Hindi ko na alam kung ano pang pagkocomfort ang dapat kong gawin makalimutan ko lang tong nararamdaman ko. Ayoko na. Pagod na ko.

5 mos and counting..

"...And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual..." -- Iris, The Holiday

 I tried watching The Holiday (one of my feel good movies) but I stopped. I can't stand hearing christmas songs in the background. I feel terrible. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I don't know if I'm making sense here.. Pero.. Putangina ang sakit sakit na!

fuck December!

E yung gusto kong magbaon ng gunting sa opis? Gusto nyo palang mag decorate at magpatugtog ng Christmas songs e di sana sumideline na lang kayo sa SM! Araw araw? Yung buong team? Yung totoo?! Sana maging muslim ang pilipinas para walang pasko! leche! huuuuuu! i-skip na yang december na yan! january na agad!

cute!

 

I miss playing with my editor. I got bored this morning and decided to color it pink before I start coding. This is just a sample code from the past. Gosh, nakakamiss pala mag PHP. Hehehe :)

Ruby on Rails

I love it when I'm forced to learn something new. I want to expose myself more in object oriented programming (kahit na medyo nosebleed sya). Next in line, HAML. I can't wait! :)

Powerpuff

 

He is sugar, spice and everything nice. I had fun tonight! :) tenchuuuuuuu! :*

Bubbles

 

One thing that I love to do is to play with bubbles. It helps me relax. I love watching colorful circles fly until they pop out. This in a way helps me shut off my existing world and enter into my "fairy fantasy land" where everything is so light and everybody is so nice.

ako? nag trekking?

Dahil sa kagustuhan kong pagbigyan ang hilig ni R0y sa pag nature trip, hayan! Unang tapak pa lang, boom! Hello putek! :)) I had fun though, that was such an accomplishment for me. :)

Bwaka-ng-ina Moment of the Day

 

I was browsing my fb contacts to kill time when I came across my high school classmate's wall. I mean, seriously? Everyday is Valentine's day? WTF! E di sige, wall mo na ang tambayan ni kupido! leche!

Argentino

Ate Ethel and I were killing time in Nuvali when these kids approached me to play with my bubble toy.

Dora: Anong pangalan mo?

Little Boy: Argentino.

We were calling him "Argentino" the whole time. It was just minutes before we left when we found out that "Kurt" is his real name. :)) Bata pa lang, kumo-code name na sya! :)) Tuwang tuwa ako na I ended up giving him my bubble toy. He hugged me in return. Sweet! :)

Groupie Mode

I despised groupies but this time, I don't care. LeeVon Cailao is so effin cute! And he's nice too! *sige pumikit ka pa, ipapasok na kita sa bag ko! :))* Haay, what a way to end the week. :)

The Most Annoying Person of 2010

 

He thinks he's better than anyone else. He always use his past "senior" position to get ahead. He brags about what he's done to prove he's worth. He lies about his sexuality(it's so obvious). He's "pasimpleng manyak" to younger guys. He has a tacky sense of style and humor. He never strikes me as a developer. I get irritated by just looking at him. He's like a walking "mema". He really deserve this award. TAKE IT ALL, BITCH!

torned

Eff, I hate to act like a grown up person. I hate to be the one who always have to forget. I hate to always force myself to understand. I hate to swallow my pride and make this move. I hate that odds never get it. I hate that I'm always misunderstood. I hate being alone. I hate being unloved. I hate being like this!


PS: The pain has always been here. I just learned to live with it.

m&m tea

 

Aargh! My body is yearning for it. PMS, please stop already! I've been a nega magnet for two days! RAWR!

Digg!

"You know that feeling? When you’re just waiting. Waiting to get home, into your room, close the door, fall into bed, and just let everything out that you kept in all day. That feeling of both relief and desperation. Nothing is wrong. But nothing is right either. And you’re tired. Tired of everything, tired of nothing. And you just want someone to be there and tell you it’s okay. But no one’s going to be there. And you know you have to be strong for yourself, because no one can fix you. But you’re tired of waiting. Tired of having to be the one to fix yourself and everyone else. Tired of being strong. And for once, you just want it to be easy. To be simple. To be helped. To be saved. But you know you won’t be. But you’re still hoping. And you’re still wishing. And you’re still staying strong and fighting, with tears in your eyes. You’re fighting."

 Got this from here. I sooo can relate.

ayiiiiii!

 

Dear Dora Balloon,

You made me smile today. :) *spazzy dance*

Selfless

"...because what I'm about to say is probably the most selfish thing I've ever said in my life... I love you, Elena. And it is because I love you that I can't be selfish with you. Why you can't know this? I don't deserve you, but my brother does..."

I can't get over this episode. It got me thinking, what if I'm in Damon's shoes? Can I be this selfless? Why does this "relationship world" have to be this complicated? Why can't love be just a simple girl + boy = love equation? Nowadays it can be: (girl + girl = cringe OR boy + boy = no comment OR girl + boy = undefined OR girl + boy = NULL)! Eff, modern day love sucks!

And yes, I am affected. E kelan pa ko mai-in love nyan? *sigh*

on a positive note

after seeing this image, i can't help but envy the optimism of this man. it made me realize. maybe now, nobody's holding my heart. maybe now, I'm not ok. but i have this "superbeki" who holds my hand, takes care of me and makes me smile everyday. life is still good. :)

Happy Halloween!

from Friendster UI Team. :) and......

 

to you, it has been one hell of a week. thanks for being with me and for dealing with my roller coaster emotions. i may be stuck in depression if you're not by my side. :)

Can I Just Die Already?

I'm so sick of dealing with everything. Why do I have to wake up with uncertainty everyday? I'm tired of hiding my pain. Can I just say "fuck off! just let me die!" I am so tired. Nobody knows what's going on my head right now. Its just me and my thoughts, me and my feelings. Its always been -- JUST ME!

The only constant person in my life walked away from me. My only source of love and happiness. The only person who gives me a reason to believe that life is beautiful closed his doors on me. Now, how will I keep my sanity in place? I hope I won't wake up anymore. I wanna die.

masakit ba?

26 years yan ng suppressed feelings. ang sakit di ba? sinabi ko naman sayo kelangan ko ng space. wag mo ko i-provoke. wag mo kong pilitin. kaso addicted ka na ata sa conflict. o hayan! kayanin mo! sa pagka bitch kong ito, buong buhay akong nanahimik. kahit kelan hindi ako lumaban. sinanay ko ang sarili ko na baliwalain ang sama ng loob. lagi kong pinipilit ang sarili kong kalimutan na nasasaktan din ako. hindi mo lang ako anak, tao din ako. napupuno. hindi ko kaya na forever ko na lang ineneglect yung feeling ng nasasaktan. ngayon, pasensya.. pasensya kung pinili kong pakinggan/intindihin ang sarili kong emosyon. after all, i owe it to myself. kelangan ko din bigyan ng break ang sarili ko sa 26 years mong panunumbat at pang guilt trip.

totoo atang gusto mo ng gulo. o eto sumabog na ko! oo na, ako na ang masamang anak. ako na ang walang utang na loob. ako na ang dahilan ng kahirapan ng pilipinas. ako na ang may gawa ng global warming! leche!

If your child is not showing you the love you are expecting, maybe it's time for you to evaluate how much you showed your love and care for your child. You reap what you sow!

to all the moms out there

please love your kids with all your heart.


the saying "mother's love is unconditional love" is sooo overrated. BS!

i miss daddy

peanut butter sandwich and coffee will always be our thing. i don't want him to choose so i decided to leave. i missed him more when i heard this song. sing it again for me, please..



please make the pain stop already. he's all i have. :(

someday..

i hope there will come a day that i can forget about it. so many things has happened. i hope i can forgive and love you again. iniisip ko pa lang bumibigat na loob ko.

..i can't wait for the day that i don't have to deal with all this drama.

Trust me, I know..

i feel like crap and nobody cares

putanginang buhay to. at the end of the day isa lang pala ang kaibigan ko. i never felt this alone in my whole fucking life.

maybe..

one day i'll wake up and all the pain will be gone.. it huts so fucking much. :(

kung pwede lang magsuka..

ginawa ko na gumaan lang loob ko. wala akong pakelam. ako naman. pagod na kong isipin kayo.

help

birthday na ni dad sa sunday and i want it to be special. please please help me think of a surprise. :)

dear God,

please don't let her ruin my day with my family. please? isa araw lang naman, bigay nyo na saken. thanks! :)

:)

him: uwi na ko byebye
him: pagaling ka
him: ^_^
me: oker
me: ingat ka :D
him: opo

nakakatuwa.. sana tuloy tuloy na. :)

siguro ang "true love" ay parang si santa clause lamang.. isa lang syang malaking "MAKE BELIEVE"!

i'm not ok and nobody gives a shit

father's day and daddy's birthday are the days that i look forward every year. lagi ako nagpaplano para kay dad, i want him to feel he's special. the day has come and i wore my best dress. maraming salamat sayo, sinira mo ang lahat.. you already have mom's love, why do you have to take on my dad's? don't you have your own family?

we don't have to like each other. you can be with my brother for all i care. just because your family's so fucked up, don't mess with mine! i can make you fucking life miserable, don't you fucking dare!

after 4 months..

i've been avoiding blogger for quite some time now. many things have happened and i think it's better not to share most of them. i've been maintaining this blog for a couple of years already and i noticed that most of my posts only boils down to two things --> work and boys.

somehow, i got tired of all this.. life has been so routinary. everything is a cycle. i've memorized every reaction, every facial expression, all the "kilig hirit", all the "kilig hirit back".history just repeats itself.. i am exhausted. and yes, commenting has been turned off on this post. i am not sure if anybody still reads this blog. i just don't want to hear people's thoughts right now. i am too tired.