Nico's 2 cents

 

"You can’t hide. A true player responds to disaster as if nothing's happened. When they smell fear in this town, it's over... ...I find it offensive that women always feel that we have to apologize for our success. There are no flukes, there is no luck, there’s just talent and hard work, and the ability to bounce back when you’re knocked down. No more, no less." -- Nico Riley, Lipstick Jungle

Tomorrow will be the start of my new year. Clean slate! GO FOR IT! :)

Mr Big

 

 Ever thine, ever mine, ever ours. -- The Immortal Beloved Letters, Ludwig van Beethoven 

Dear Mr Big,

Please tell me I'm the one...

I'm not OK

I'm not OK but I will be fine.. *inhale.. exhale..* That's the spirit!

The Day After

It is 6:30am and I don't feel like sleeping. I never thought I would survive my December 28th. The feeling of "sadness" is an understatement. I cried for help but no one was there. I don't know how to contain myself. I hoped to be insane. My tears were over-pouring. I have no one to talk to. I have nowhere to go.

There's one thing that kept running on my head that night. I wanted to die. I'm not the suicidal type but I really wanted to die. What if I die of crying? What if I got hit by a cab then die? Call me crazy but it hurts so much that I thought of just letting everything go. I don't know how depression feels but if depression is sadness to the nth power then I had it last night.

Today, I'm still alive. And yes, it still hurts. I'm trying everything just to lessen my pain. Baby steps as Ch@m!3 would say. I'll be ok.. In my own time. In my own way.

F*CK YOU!!!

drained

I've been crying endlessly the whole day. Please make it stop. Sobrang lungkot hindi ko na ata makaya..

Gusto kong mag book sa malayong malayong lugar tapos hindi na ko babalik. I know I have to shake this shit all off but I don't know how to fucking do it. Ayoko nang maging nega pero wala akong mapiga kahit na konting positivity sa katawan ko ngayon.

Oo nega queen ako. Wag kang makielam, blog ko to! Tanginang buhay naman to. Gustong gusto ko nang mag give up!

PS:
Alam kong naging kaibigan ako sa inyo. ayun lang.

Woooooooh!

 

Dear Universe,

Bakit ba ang hirap mo naman kausap? After all the shit that happened this weekend, di ba I deserve a freakin break? Facial lang naman ang hinahanap ko.. FACIAAAAL! Mahirap ba yun? Woooooooh!

PS:

Why are you so effin kupal? RAWR!!

Life

Ito na siguro ang pinaka challenging na pasko sa pamilya namin. Unang beses na hindi ko maramdaman na holiday pala ngayon. Nakakagulat.. Nakakalungkot. Ang buhay nga naman, hindi mo masabi. Minsan naiisip ko, kanya kanyang bullshit lang yan sa buhay.Pero bakit ganon? Parang masyadong pinapalo ni God ang pamilya namin?

Nag aalala ako para kay Ate. Kay Ate at sa baby nya. May sarili akong iniisip pero mas importante sya sa ngayon. Kelangan kong maging malakas para sa kanya. Kami na lang dalawa ang magkasama. Kelangan nya ko ngayon. Hinding hindi ko sya iiwan.

I can't wait na makita si baby, ang kaisa isang positive na nangyare ngayong 2010.

Breathe Me

This is my song for the day. What an awful Christmas. :(

Christmas 2010

Ang tagal kong nakatitig sa blog post na to, wala.. Isang malaking whitespace. Nakakapagod nang malungkot. :( Nagsasawa na ba kayo? Ako rin e.:)) PUTAENAAAAAA!

IMY more!

This is the only thing that made me smile today. I always look forward to seeing Yana's face every Christmas. I love seeing her big eyes when she opens my gift. Christmas will never be the same without her. Ninang Daze loves you so much, Yana! I hope to see you again soon! :)

FYI:
Yana doesn't have a facebook account. She only use friendster. She loves me that much. :)

I did it.. Hooooooray!

 

Woooooh! At last! :)) Isang malaking check sa isa kong to do's! :)) Ansakeeeet! Ilang beses kong tinawag si God! Hahahahahaha! Yun lang, inaantok na ko! Napagod ako ng sobra sobra. :))

TO DO's

 

Ang dami kong gustong gawin bukas! Errrr, hindi ako matahimik! leche!

If you could save me..

 

I've been emotionally unstable for a couple of months now. One day I'm ok, next I'll be devastated. It's a constant cycle. Sometimes, I don't know what to feel anymore. I've had countless rant posts about this freaking issue. Nothing's changed. Nothing's new. Nothing's better. :(

I'm sorry for all the nega vibes that I'm writing in this blog. It's just that I don't know how to handle this and keep my sanity at the same time. I wouldn't expect everybody to understand me, sometimes I cannot understand myself too. And now I'm torned. Torned between what is right and what I need.

My life is in a hell of a roller coaster ride of drama. I've always been a fighter but this one is different. I AM BROKEN, I'm just trying to cover it. I'm incapable of fixing anything right now. I just want to focus on my own emotional stability. I just want to be strong for myself. I just want to be happy again. I just want to be the old "me" again.

I Found a Reason

"what comes is better than what came before..."

On a lighter note, I realized there are people who still love me enough to deal with my kaartehan and my kadramahan. :) Thank you for coming into my life. *smiles*

Movie Night

 

Hindi ko alam kung dapat bang matuwa si r0y pag nagpa-power dress ako dahil he's always obliged to take me out after work. :)) Tonight we watched Narnia. It's not my type of movie but I had fun. :) I'm thankful na he's always by my side (literally and figuratively). He makes me feel loved. :)

Post it!

 

Natawa ko when I saw this in front of my unit. Ganyan ang nakikiusap! Teh, try mo kayang kausapin nanay ko? :)) Then again, that part of the building is a communal area. What can I do about it? Lol! Bitch much?

Expectations

High school pa lang ako, hindi na ko nag eexpect ng masayang pasko. Nasanay na ko sa "sakto lang" ang araw na yon. Pero iba ngayon. Sa pasko, ineexpect ko nang maging punching bag ng pamilya ko. Umuwi man ako o hinde, in one way or another, papaliguan nila ako ng emotional torture. Kahit anong gawin ko, riot pa rin ang araw na yon. Hindi naman sa napaka nega ko, hinahanda ko lang sarili ko sa mga mangyayari. Hindi ko na kayang iabsorb ang mga sorpresang drama, baka mabaliw na ako.

Hindi ko kayang bumati at mag wish ng Merry Christmas. Iniiwasan kong mag fb, ayokong makakita ng masayang pamilya. Para akong sinasaksak pag nakakakita ako ng christmas tree. Isang noise pollution saken ang makarinig ng christmas songs. Ang araw ng pasko ay isang malaking urban legend na lang para sakin. Ako ay isang malaking orphan, malapit ko nang matanggap yun.

Pain Relievers

Minsan naiisip ko, sana kayang makuha sa pain relievers tong nararamdaman ko. Sana isang inom lang ng gamot wala na lahat itong bigat ng dibdib ko. Ginawa ko nang lahat maging maayos lang ako. Nakakapagod nang maglakas loob. Hindi naman talaga ako ok, hindi na ko  magpepretend. Nahihirapan na talaga ko, hindi ko na alam gagawin ko.

Ayoko nang magalit pero wala akong ibang mapigang emosyon. Kinain ko na ang pride ko, ako na ang bumaba.. Ano pang kulang? Bakit ang dali dali para sa inyo na i-single out ako? Bakit gustong gusto nyo na sinasaktan ako? Sana naging masamang anak na lang ako para maintindihan ko kung bakit nyo ako ginaganito. Sana maisip nyo na nasasaktan din ako, na ako ang anak nyo.

Hindi ko na alam kung ano pang pagkocomfort ang dapat kong gawin makalimutan ko lang tong nararamdaman ko. Ayoko na. Pagod na ko.

5 mos and counting..

"...And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual..." -- Iris, The Holiday

 I tried watching The Holiday (one of my feel good movies) but I stopped. I can't stand hearing christmas songs in the background. I feel terrible. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I don't know if I'm making sense here.. Pero.. Putangina ang sakit sakit na!

fuck December!

E yung gusto kong magbaon ng gunting sa opis? Gusto nyo palang mag decorate at magpatugtog ng Christmas songs e di sana sumideline na lang kayo sa SM! Araw araw? Yung buong team? Yung totoo?! Sana maging muslim ang pilipinas para walang pasko! leche! huuuuuu! i-skip na yang december na yan! january na agad!

cute!

 

I miss playing with my editor. I got bored this morning and decided to color it pink before I start coding. This is just a sample code from the past. Gosh, nakakamiss pala mag PHP. Hehehe :)

Ruby on Rails

I love it when I'm forced to learn something new. I want to expose myself more in object oriented programming (kahit na medyo nosebleed sya). Next in line, HAML. I can't wait! :)

Powerpuff

 

He is sugar, spice and everything nice. I had fun tonight! :) tenchuuuuuuu! :*