shocks.. natatakot akong pumasok bukas.. natatakot akong marinig sa kanya kung anong naging result ng lakad nya... absent sya ngayon.. nag ayos ng sched sa ateneo.. pag hindi naging ok yung sched nya mapipilitan syang mag resign.. i can still remember yesterday.. nung sabi nya na pipilitin nya ayusin sched nya para maging swak sa shifting dito.. sabi nya hindi daw sya aalis ng ateneo hanggat hindi nagbabago yung class schedule nya... tapos todo explain sya na pag hindi raw na adjust yung sched nya mapipilitan daw syang mag resign.. shocks.. hindi ko alam..

oo nalulungkot ako.. ngayon pa nga lang absent lang sya namimiss ko sya agad.. masama pa hindi pa sya nagrereply sa text ko.. baka bad news na.. hay sana hindi naman.. sana matanggap ko kung anumang decision yung gagawin nya.. kse kung ako rin naman mas ipprioritize ko yung school kesa dito.. pero shocks sana.. sana.. sana maging magkasama pa rin kme..

ayoko na syang pigilan if ever.. sana matanggap ko tlga kung ano man yun... siguro kung ano man mangyari.. it's best para sa kanya.. for the both of us.. ayoko naman masanay na parati kaming ganito kase in the back of my mind, alam ko naman magkakahiwalay din kme... mag resign man sya or hindi.. ayokong mahirapan.. ayokong masaktan..

actually hindi ko alam nararamdaman ko sayo.. i do love you.. oo naman.. hindi naman ako maapektohan ng ganito kung hindi.. pero as what? hindi ko alam.. as a friend? as a man? EWAN!

touched pa rin ako na pinipili mo pa rin na kasama ako. na gumagawa ka ng paraan just to make it possible.. pero bakit ganon? bakit maraming conflict? bakit maraming concerns? bakit bumibigat loob ko?

ngayon pa lang pinipilit ko na yung sarili ko na intindihin tong situation na to.. sinasabi ko sa sarili ko na baka hanggang dito na lang tayo.. na baka hanggang thinksmart na lang to.. siguro hanggang dun na lang.. if ever maputol communication natin and hindi ka gumawa ng way, siguro the end na tlga.. siguro tapos na yung purpose mo sa life ko and ganon din naman ako sayo.. gaya ng parati kong sinasabi.. i don't want to stop the nature of things.. kung yun e di yun lang.. kung hindi tlga e di hindi tlga..

sana maging happy ako bukas.. sana maging maganda yung maririnig ko from him.. please.. nag sstart pa lang tayo.. ayoko pa muna mag end... marami pa ko pwede mabigay.. marami pa tayong memories na gagawin.. please.. please..

"Why (Are We Still Friends)"

We do almost everything that lovers do
And that’s why it’s hard, just to be friends with you
Every time your heart is broken by the fool
I want you to know that it hurts me too
It’s hard to wipe your tears away (tears away)
Knowing that you should be with me
Now tell me why

Why – why are we still friends
When everything says
We should be more than we are
And tell me why every time I find
Someone that I like
We always end up just being friends (Just Being Friends)

I would hate for you to find somebody new
Who you really love, cause it would mean losing you
But am I a fool girl not to say
If I’m always scared I’ll lose you anyway
Somehow somewhere I’ve got to choose (got to choose)
No matter if it’s win or lose
Now tell me why

I don’t wanna be like your brother
I don’t wanna be your best friend
I only wanna be your lover
When will this end
If I told you that I wanna be in your life
Then you could be the woman in mine

last night we watched a movie.. over the hedge.. the much awaited movie.. i can still remember mga first week pa lang ng april.. inaaya na nya ko manood nun... we ate dinner together.. sa shakeys.. hehe sobrang daming tao sa g4.. grabe.. i know pareho kme nag enjoy.. are we dating? hindi ko alam.. kme ba? ewan.. hindi?? uhhmm.. isang malaking question mark..

hindi na daw sya mag reresign.. bakit? ewan.. why the sudden change of decision? tapos humirit sya ng "tapos ikaw nmn aalis?"; ano yun? bakit ganon? bakit mo tinatanong? bakit mo ko inaalagaan? bkt mo hinahawakan kamay ko? bakit ka nag spend ng time and money para sakin? bakit? bakit gnon? bakit mo ko kinikiss everytime mag hiwalay tayo? bakit ka nagiging gentle man pag ksma mo ko? bakit ganon? bakit ka nag eeffort para sakin? bakit? bakit? bakit?

i dont know what to feel.. i dont know how to react.. what to do? u're acting as if you're my boyfriend.. tapos ano yun? naiinis ako... naiinis ako sa sarili ko.. you're making me happy.. i was so flattered when you told me that i play a big part in your life.. pero ano? as what? pag wala ka hinahanap kita.. oo namimiss na kita minsan.. ano ba? wag mo hayaan na mahulog loob ko sayo.. please.. please..

thanks rodjay ha.. sobrang na touched ako... naiintindihan kita.. alam ko ayaw mo ko masaktan.. i also know you don't want to see me crying.. kahapon we had a big fight tlga.. hndi ko alam kung bakit ganon.. hindi ko alam kung bakit kme ganon.. im so confused.. when he was asking me what's wrong hindi ko alam sasabihin ko.. DUH!!! WHAT'S WRONG? mag ano ba tayo?

y do you have to be so sweet? what do have to be so nice? why do you have to say i miss you? why do you have to tell me that you love me? why do you have to text me mushy messages every night? i told you i dont want to be emotionally depented on somebody.. ayoko ng feeling na may namimiss..

ngayon aalis kna... anong mngyyri saten? ha? ano? hanggang text? ganon? ano? sana nmn maging brave ka para masabi mo sakin kung ano ba tlga.. sana lang.. ang hirap kse ng ganito.. you're acting as if you're my boyfriend then what? ano? special friend?

Dear lie
You suck
You said you could fix anything
Instead Im fucked
You made things even worse for me
If I had balls Id tell you get away from me
Guess Im not smart
I let you unnerve me
I let you control me
Afraid the truth would hurt me
When its you that hurts me more

Get outta my mouth
Get outta my head
Get outta my mind
Stop puttin words in my head
Get outta my mouth
Youre nothing but trouble
Get outta my life
Get out of me
Out of me out of me
Out of me
Out of me lie
Lie lie lie lie

Dear lie
Youre dumb
You think youve got the best of me
You think you won
Misread my vulnerability
Ive got your walls
Now get the hell away from me
Ive learned your art
Wont let you unnerve me
Wont let you control me
The truth will only free me
And your lies wont hurt no
No more

shocks.. binigyan na naman nya ko ng chocolates.. ano ba? kala ko ba aalis kna? bakit ganyan? bakit nasasaktan ako? ano ba? ano kba? tigilan na natin to.. papaasahin mo lang ako... sana hindi na lang nangyayari to.. umalis kna ngayon.. hanggang kaya ko pa.. i dont care.. you wont hear a word from me.. dont say i love you... dont say i miss you... dont hold my hand.. dont be too sweet.. basta.. ayoko na.. ayoko na tlga.. ayokong maging dependent sa taong alam ko na any moment kaya akong iwan.. i hate it.. i hate feeling like this..

STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!

happy birthday aouie! miss na kita.. haay. hindi ko alam kung babatiin ba kita.. natatakot kasi ako na baka hindi ka mag reply.. natatakot din ako na baka mas miss kita ng sobra.. baka mapahiya ako sa sarili ko pag wala man lang akong na receive na thank you...

miss you so much aouie! bakit kailangan ako na nman mag baba ng pride? ayoko nang gawin yon? pano pag nag reply ka? shocks!

i don't know what im feeling right now... hay... bakit kelangan mo pa lumapit sakin? alam kong hindi naman long term to.. basta.. ayokong masaktan.. i had so much of that.. haay.. sana ewan.. sana hindi ka na lang gumawa ng something na iba maiisip ko.. sana hindi ka na lang gumawa ng something na super overwhelming para sakin.. sana naisip mo before mo to ginagawa na vulnerable ako... hay! putek ayoko na magisip! layuan nyo na ko! hindi ko alam!

ano ba friends ba tayo? minsan feeling ko nga friends tayo.. minsan hindi.. minsan sobra ka naman maging friend!.. kung friend nga lang ba talaga.. putek! putek! putek!

bakit kelangan mo pa pumunta ng states? bakit ganon? bakit ngayon pa lang nakikita ko na na hindi maganda.. shocks! putek! putek! putek!

first time! wahahaha.. haay.. hindi na ko sanay ng ganito.. u have to write everything u feel..

haay.. miss na kita dandrei.. sobra.. actually hindi pa ko umiiyak since the day we broke up.. don't know kung bakit.. it's been more than a month.. i haven't heard anything from you since nung night na yon... wala pa rin akong nasasabihan kung ano yung totoong nararamdaman ko.. pero honestly, im ok.. im perfectly ok.. i just miss him... so much.. grabe..

before nag uusap kami ni she... pag napapag usapan namin yung mga moving cars.. grabe maiisip mo talaga lahat ng kadramahan sa buhay..

aouie, as his childhood friends call him.. hay... ewan ko.. bakit ganon kadali para sayo..

hay... hindi ko lang masyado pinapakita yung hurt.. pero grabe.. sobrang miss na kita.. ramdam na ramdam kita sobra especially pag naririnig ko yung time will reveal.. God! shocks! sana pwede ko pa balikan yon... i admit.. our best times are nung mga panahon na hindi pa tayo.. sana parati na lang ganon.. ".. the special love that's deep inside of us.. will all reveal in time.."

grabe.. kahit san ako tumingin ikaw naalala ko.. remember the pillow that you gave me? hanggang ngayon hug ko sa pagtulog.. promise hindi ako makakatulog pag wala yon.. kahit andumi dumi na non.... ayoko sya ipa dry clean.. basta.. ayoko lang mawala yung spirit.. hay dandrei.. i will never forget yung moment na na-hate ko yung ferrero because of you.. until this moment.. hindi ko pa rin sya makain or even dare to look at it.. miss ko na yung oishi ridges na favorite mo.. yung chocettes.. yung crocodile grill.. yung starbucks.. yung rockwell.. yung guadalupe.. shocks.. ngayon lang ako nakapunta don! Remember Yongskie?? hehe.. yung nasa kanto ng evangelista.. hay grabe non lang ako napakain sa mga ganon.. miss you so much aouie.. si little simon kamusta naman? hay... grabe.. ang daming nasayang..

naiisip mo rin kaya ako? or naisip mo ba kung kamusta na ko ngayon? naiisip mo ba na baka may bago na kong boyfriend? hay dandrei.. i really hoped that i was you...